Toddler being rough with other kids

Now this one can be challenging!

This is a normal part of toddler life. Is testing their limits and boundaries while also learning how to socialize with other kids. Toddlers don’t really play with other toddlers, more like play their own activities alongside each other. Sure they can throw a laugh or giggle or steal a toy from each other, but they generally play on their own. When toddlers hit, bite or pinch they are trying to see what reaction they will get - cause and effect. Same goes when they do it to you..which they absolutely will do at some point. Fun right?!

The most you can do when they try it with you is to not over-react, but also let them know it’s not okay. It may take 100 times of you repeating it. But they will eventually get the message.

And the same goes for when they do it to other kids or babies. But of course you can’t control their reaction. So your best bet is to put them aside, tell them it’s not okay and maybe show them something that they can do :)

Now I had this come up with all my kids, but the difference was with my second & third child it took them a bit longer to get over this phase. And in the meantime it created many embarrassing and hard moments for myself to try to deal with it. I would feel so ashamed and have mom guilt about their reaction in public with other kids…was I doing something wrong?!!? Was I a bad mom? NO. You are not. I’ve come to learn that all kids go through this phase and the duration of it can vary from child to child. My second loved to pinch other kids noses in particular younger kids and babies. It was awkward to say the least. With my second we were always out and about. She was signed up for sports toddler classes, gymnastics etc. And I would get looks sometimes especially when it was completely unprovoked and she would do it to someone before I could intervene. Mom shaming! I felt everyone was staring at me.

And this went on for months and months! I’d say about 8 months, obviously some months less than others. I tried everything from being calm and saying no, to getting mad to to showing her how it felt - none of it seemed to help. And I didn’t want to hibernate at home because she was acting this way - I felt like that would make it even worse if I completely cut off all connection with other kids. She had this what I call ‘cute aggression’ when she saw something smaller than her and wanted to squeeze it and see the reaction. She wasn’t doing it to be mean or hurtful and she wasn’t doing it out of anger. When they are this young, they don’t have these ill intentions.
My third had the same kind of thing - this ‘cute aggression’. Older kids he was totally fine with especially since he had older siblings. But when it came to kids around his age or younger, he would want to see a reaction and try to bite or grab! For him it was during COVID time so we would not socialize as often and that probably didn’t help. But there was still some neighbours or family members we would see regularly enough that he would do this to and I would have to be extra cautious.

With my first, she went through a bit of a hitting phase. But she went through it a bit later as a toddler when she was 2 and I felt she was able to get over it much faster since she was older and understood more. A few short talks with her and just let her know it’s not nice to hit and she grew out of it quite fast! Once in a while when she didn’t get what she wanted and had a tantrum it would resurface, but she knew better most of the time not to hit anyone and maybe hit an object or whatever.

I feel the best thing you can do is be consistent, be diligent and remember it won’t last forever! Be consistent with your reaction however you choose to handle it. Don’t over-exaggerate your response (they like to see a big reaction) and just let them know it’s not okay. Something simple they can understand like ‘We don’t hit’, ‘Stop’, ‘Be gentle’ (show them a kind touch). You can maybe show them something they can do to divert their attention. If it happens when they are little older like 2 or 3 you can have more of a talk with them on the why. Be diligent! When you are in settings with other children, you are going to have to be more proactive in watching your child when they get close to another child to try to prevent it from happening if you see it start to happen. And this can be frustrating because you want to give them some space and let them explore and interact. But it won’t be forever.

Now I’m not saying hover like a helicopter and not let them have any interaction with another child. But you do have to be a little more involved than you usually are if you are in that situation (until they outgrow it or they are doing it much less). And sometimes you will not be able to stop it, you are not superwoman. It will happen. You just try the best you can and look for cues that it may start to happen. For my littles, they started to get a little too excited, a little too close in another kid’s personal space (like they really have any?!), zone in and start either looking like they may kiss (turns into a bite) or extended their arm out (to pinch).

Remember it will pass. All you can do is try your best in the mean time. Don’t let those judgemental stares get the best of you. You are a great mom. And some wine at the end of a challenging day couldn’t hurt ;)